Monday, March 31, 2014

About me...

Hey everyone! My name is Tori and I'm new to this whole blogging thing. I'm 21 and I've been dealing with this ed for about 2 years on and off. When all of this started I was 18 and 198 lbs.( yes gross I know). I was depressed and i hated myself. As a young girl I would eat what I wanted and I was always thin. I remember how it all started. I was a freshman in High school, 5'5 and only 100 lbs. I never thought that I would gain so much weight or that I would develop an ed. In 4 years I gained over 90 pounds. 

At first the weight gain wasn't very noticeable, after a while friends and family began to notice. They would make jokes and tell me i looked like piglet, My brother would make fun of me the most calling me fat ass, lard o ect. Even my mom and dad would make fun of me. The most embarrassing thing to happen to me was when I went up to Connecticut and I had to visit family i hadn't seen in years. All anyone could talk about was my weight Asking me what i'd been eating and why I let myself go. I cried ( Not in front of them of course). 

I went from being that really cute thin girl to that fat chick that used to be cute. I had to do something. I wasn't going to be the fat one anymore. I wanted to be beautiful, I wanted to feel beautiful. I wanted control. From then I hated the sight of food. I could hardly keep anything down without wanting to purge and i did. In a matter of months I lost over 50 pounds. 

It seemed like all of a sudden people cared about me. They began to ask questions, people would tell me i looked great and I liked it. I dropped to about 145 lbs, which isn't skinny but I looked a lot different. I told myself that I would start eating more and that I wouldn't go back on any pro ana websites. I thought that I could stop. But i couldn't. 50 pounds wasn't enough. I wanted more, I couldn't eat and be ok with it. I couldn't accept anything less that perfect. So it continued. i realized that this wasn't something that i could stop. I needed it. It is the only thing that made me feel good. 

In 1 year and 2 months I went from 198 lbs to 101 lbs. From a size 13 to a size 0. And of course everyone was concerned at that point. My parents found out and I ended up in a rehab program. From then I went from 101 lbs to 147 lbs and now I'm 172 lbs :( 

I'm not comfortable, I miss the way I looked. I'm ashamed that i let things get this far but I'm not letting it get worse. 

I'm starting this blog because I need something to keep me motivated, and to find people like me that can understand why I am the way I am and accept me.